im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
