i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
