so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize