I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
