A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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