so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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