haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Randomize
