when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
