If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
