I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
