my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
