We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
