im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
