just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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