In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
