i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
