There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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