You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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