I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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