I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize