my mouth tastes like poor choices
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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