Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
