I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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