sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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