Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You can't just leave with hair like that
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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