my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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