Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
