I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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