Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
