I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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