Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
