He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
