i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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