Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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