About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
