I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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