i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Randomize
