I queefed so loud it echoed.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
