There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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