No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
