How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
