bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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