I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
