so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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