I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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