In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I did not marry a roomba.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
