people are starting to question the shark bite story
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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