Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize