my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
