Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Randomize
