In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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