This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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