Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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