My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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