the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
