so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
