I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
