Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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