Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
