I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize