Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
