Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
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