yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
