i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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